First, the road rules DO apply. Walk on the left-hand side at all times. Do not prop suddenly and bolt in front of a stream of people to get to shops on the other side.

Consideration is essential in shopping centres. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you:

Do not dawdle four abreast, stopping others from passing;

Do not walk two abreast yakking to each other pushing double prams (see above);

Trolley jockeys should avoid pushing their wheels at speed across the pedestrian flow while averting their eyes from what's happening;

If text messaging as you stroll, look up from the phone occasionally to avoid collisions with kids eating ice-creams;

If on the phone, keep your calls down to a medium shout and please, no sudden explosion of hand gesticulations in crowded spaces eye surgery is costly;

If disciplining uncontrollable children, a quiet execution in the toilet block is preferable to a slanging match in the check-out queue;

Most importantly, to avoid odd stares, don't wear distracting clothing. Please note, the ``woman'' I spotted a week ago in a short, short blouse exposing a runway of bushy, belly hair up to ``her'' navel. Sincerest apologies again to the elderly lady I almost bowled over while double-taking;

Please don't park your trolley at the end of the conveyor belt at the check-out and then leave it there, preventing the next person from loading his or her groceries on the blacktop;

And, as your bill is being tallied up, if you forget the matches, forget it. Don't dart off to the back of the supermarket looking for a pack, holding everyone up;

In the express, quick service lane, don't start unloading 45 items from two full baskets. For such people it's mandatory immediately if not sooner to let the person behind with one bottle of sauce in hand and that filthy look to check out first;

Finally, to those people with bums two pick-handles across don't stand in the centre of the escalator. Waddle sideways to the left, so fit, fast people can rush past.

On that sombre note, let's exit laughing.

A big smile for the little girl, about six, stepping out through the double doors into the car park and spotting an old duck puffing away on a fag: ``Look, Mum! She's smoking,'' she screamed out. ``She's gunna die!''

Who said TV advertising doesn't work?