This is it. The pointiest of pointy ends. The crunchiest of crunch times. All the blood, sweat, tears and celebrities standing on desks is about to culminate in a dream come true for one sort-of-lucky Aussie youngster.
Tonight we will see just how these plucky amateurs stand up to the pressure of expectation, attention and lengthy run-time padding. It's the X Factor Grand Final, and with typical lean TV efficiency, it will take a mere two and a half hours for tonight's show to fail to arrive at a result.
The show, as you might've expected, begins with the finalists singing a song from inside cages, to symbolise the fact that their lives have become a hideous human zoo. There are also lines of marching military folk to represent the essential fascistic nature of the competition, and also Marlisa rides a horse, and…no, I kind of lost the thread from then on.
Luke Jacobz, still under the impression that he is the "host" of this show, informs us that "this is the big one" in case the weird cage-fascist-horse montage hadn't made this clear. He then introduces the judges, who emerge from within a blinding light, much like angels or nuclear annihilation. To celebrate the occasion, all four judges have dressed like asylum inmates. Dannii informs us all that she is "up for it", refusing to specify what "it" is. Natalie informs us that Dean Ray is just a country boy at heart, which I'm pretty sure is a lie. We cut to an ad break featuring Mark Holden as a clown to remind us that even though we're watching The X Factor, things could be worse.
The grand final continues with the girl who Luke tells us was "just a shy fourteen-year-old" a few months ago, but has now transformed herself into a supremely arrogant fifty-eight-year-old. She is to sing "Yesterday" by the Beatles, because if you're going to render a song tedious through overblown arrangement and a total lack of vocal subtlety or restraint, you might as well do it to the best. I'm sure Marlisa's performance would've pleased Sir Paul McCartney himself, who often says he wishes he could have performed his songs in a more clichéd and generic manner back in the Sixties.
"Wow!" says Redfoo, but then he would, wouldn't he. Dannii describes Marlisa's choices as "courageous", because choosing to sing "Yesterday" counts as courageous to a woman whose bravest life decision was adding an extra "i" to her name.
For her part, Marlisa says she's feeling "really lucky", wisely recognising that life is entirely ruled by random chance and that our own abilities and efforts count for nothing in the cosmic craps game we call the universe.
Next up is Brothers 3, who just a few months ago were just three fresh-faced four-year-olds with a dream, but tonight stand on stage as fully poseable action figures. But before we hear them sing, we have to watch their trip home to Mudgee with Dannii, which really brings new meaning to the phrase "Gee, Mudgee isn't very interesting is it".
Brothers 3 perform a duet with Guy Sebastian, demonstrating just what is possible for the winner of a talent show – the chance more than a decade later to duet with other people trying to win a talent show. They sing Sebastian's song "Like A Drum", which many good judges rank in the top thirty or forty Guy Sebastian songs. After the song Luke asks Guy what it's really like working with Brothers 3, and it's a tribute to the ex-Idol's professionalism that he can think of a single thing to say.
The next singer is, Luke tells us, "the most controversial X Factor contestant ever", which is a lot like being the most intelligent Bachelor contestant. Natalie tells us that Dean Ray is even more of a natural in the studio than on stage, which I think means he shouldn't be allowed out in public. Dean sings a really edgy, hard-rocking number that wouldn't be at all out of place as a Leo Sayer album track. He plays guitar too, so you know he's an authentic musician and stuff. Natalie is overjoyed by her protégé, but then she's probably not got a lot going on right now. Ronan enjoyed the song too. "When I grow up, I wanna be as cool as you," he says, which he probably thought was irony but actually being as cool as Dean Ray would be quite a step up for him.
Tragedy then strikes as Dean is given a chance to talk.
And that's it. Oh wait actually that's not even close to being it. We've still got more than an hour to go. Sweet Jesus.
To soak up a bit of that time, Luke asks Dannii what's so great about Brothers 3. Dannii says they've got the X Factor. The will to live steadily drains away from all watching. Brothers 3 sing a Taylor Swift song. No, they don't, first we get a flashback montage to the highlights of the Brothers 3 journey, demonstrating their humble beginnings as a poor man's Crosby, Stills and Nash through to their current status as the thinking woman's Bros. And NOW they sing a Taylor Swift song, effortlessly capturing the feeling of being a teenage girl through their delicate harmonies. Afterwards Redfoo tells them that they're good people, which is a bit ominous.
Now it's Marlisa's turn again, singing a song called "Stand By You" or something. It's got music and words in it, and you can't ask much more than that can you. Everyone is very happy about Marlisa's singing. It's nice to see how happy they all are. Did I mention Redfoo is wearing a leopard-print jacket with no shirt? That seems important somehow.
Dean Ray is going to sing again and there's still more than half an hour left of this thing. Natalie tells an amusing story about driving a long way. We then see some footage of Natalie going to the country with Dean. It's a classic sequence for anyone who loves watching people going to the country. The most fascinating thing about Dean's home town is it's very small and there's nothing there. Then Dean sings with Olly Murs – Natalie warns that this could result in a "charisma overload" but haha, don't worry she's just kidding folks!
Luke asks Olly what it's like working with Dean Ray and Olly cleverly doesn't say "Who?"
Up next…wait, what? Up next? They're going to sing again? How is this possible? At this stage Stockholm Syndrome is setting in and I'm beginning to fall in love with Redfoo.
OK anyway Brothers 3 sing again. They sing a song. Dannii tells us that all they want us to do is to have fun and smile, and then tells us to vote for them, but wouldn't that be going against their wishes? Before the song we have to listen to everyone tell us how great the song is and how amazing Brothers 3 think it is to have their photo taken. During the song we have to watch Brothers 3 leaping about the stage like demented goblins who don't know their correct pants size. It's terrifying. Natalie says her cheeks are hurting, possibly from the baby spiders trying to escape the sound of the song. Ronan is laughing hysterically, because he took the same drugs the singers did.
At this point, the X Factor grand final refuses to end.
OK so now Marlisa sings for what experts estimate is the 15th time tonight. She will be singing a duet with Jessica Mauboy, the female Guy Sebastian. First Ronan takes her for a ride in a giant tricycle and then they go to school. The show's been going for two hours but God forbid we just get to the damn singing already. The schoolkids scream at Marlisa. Ronan says he's never heard anything like it, which speaks poorly of Boyzone's ability to energise its fanbase.
Several hours after Marlisa's final song was announced, she sings it. Jessica Mauboy sings it too. Then it finishes.
Sadly it's now after 10pm, which means there's only four or five hours of this episode of The X Factor left. Here is Dean Ray to close the show with his audition song, "Bette Davis Eyes", a deeply personal choice for Dean, who has always modelled himself on Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh but first we need more flashbacks obviously. How excellent. Remember when Dean said he drank water out of puddles? Amazing.
Then he sings the song and eventually he stops singing the song. The show's supposed to be over by now. Natalie screams, but I think she's tired as well. The judges all lie about how great everyone is one more time. Redfoo uses the phrase "chillin' like a cheetah". Natalie tells Dean that he's just like Elvis and Johnny Cash. The world ceases to hold any meaning.
And finally it is over. Don't forget to vote! Every vote counts! Except yours! Yours doesn't matter at all! But don't forget!
