Sometimes when middle-aged men with a weakness for red wine and blue cheese need a guest speaker they will prevail on this reporter to dust off a few old war stories to fill the gap between the overcooked beef and beers at the bar.
It was on one such occasion I noticed a chap sitting in the audience who was as familiar with my work as I was with his.
He was a fellow charged with murdering his wife and found not guilty, much to the surprise of many present in the court.
The original investigation was horribly botched and a jury acquitted him on he evidence presented. I wrote about the case pointing out some of the facts not put to the jury. It would be fair to say he was not a fan.
It would also be fair to say his character was filleted in court, where his underworld connections were exposed and one of his lovers claimed he often talked of ways to kill his wife.
At the end of the function we had words – Anglo Saxon ones that cannot be repeated here.
They were good people in that room, men who ran businesses and raised money for charity. Men who loved their wives, mums and daughters. Law-abiding types who pay their taxes, don't get into punch ons and drive within the speed limit.
And that is the point. The man was welcomed back into their midst with the unspoken rule that his "difficulties" never be mentioned.
Last week we had White Ribbon Day – a day when men stand up against violence against women.
Here are the facts. We are one of the safest countries in the world and yet one woman is killed every week due to family violence. It is a national disgrace and we should all be deeply ashamed.
White Ribbon says the biggest cause of injury or death for women between 18 and 45 is family violence and one in three females say they have suffered violence from someone they know.
The cost is estimated in Australia at $14.4 billion a year.
Earlier this month when world-ranked boxer Anthony Mundine won his fight his team declared they were determined to bring the undefeated Floyd Mayweather to Melbourne for a title bout.
Mayweather is one of the highest-paid athletes in the world and undefeated in 47 fights. He is also a convicted woman beater. He has been arrested or cited over seven alleged assaults on five women and jailed over one attack.
But none of the reports over a possible (although unlikely) Mundine title fight mentioned Mayweather's assault record. If he was a convicted drug trafficker there would have been calls to ban him from Australia. But bashing women is no impediment to getting a visa, apparently.
If you drill down on much family violence women, are treated as chattels – possessions – to be used and discarded at will.
We condemn other cultures where women live in fear but do we do enough to deal with family violence closer to home? It is always easier to criticise strangers than confront someone we know.
In some cases I have covered the circumstances may differ but the story is the same. It is about using violence to maintain control and power. The killers had no criminal records and from the outside would have seemed just normal blokes.
When Fred Boyle tired of his wife Edwina and wanted to replace her with his mistress he felt murder rather than divorce would be the practical solution.
On October 6, 1983, she vanished from their Dandenong home and although she was devoted to her two daughters, police accepted Fred's claim she had run off with a truck driver named Ray.
This was despite her bank accounts and health cards remaining untouched, that she did not contact her daughters and stopped writing to her UK relatives.
Despite repeated attempts by Edwina's sister, Valerie Bordley, to report her missing in Britain, it was months before police took the case seriously.
With no body and no witnesses, Fred stuck to his claims, played the outraged victim and even complained about his treatment by the homicide squad.
Years later when the squad's office was being refurbished Boyle, a carpet layer, turned up to quote for the job. He didn't get it.
But it was part of his ugly character to taunt the squad that they couldn't catch him and he had got away with murder.
He kept his wife's remains in a barrel, moving them when he changed homes. They were right there when police went to question him and no doubt they were his trophy to show he could outsmart the investigators – until they were discovered in 2006.
He was convicted two years later and sentenced to a minimum of 17 years. So who's laughing now Fred?
Homicide Senior Sergeant Charlie Bezzina was surprised when he received a call from Vic Ramchen – a man he had previously charged with murder.
Ramchen hadn't rung to discuss the case but to boast one of his three children had won a prestigious international maths prize in the United States.
Police claimed that in April 1992, rather than proceed through an expensive divorce, Ramchen killed his wife, Jacqui. Her body was never found. The case collapsed at committal although police led evidence the victim had been the subject of repeated family violence.
One of their disputes was on how to raise the children. Vic demanded hard work while Jacqui, a former model and television game host, was more relaxed on study matters.
Perhaps the phone call to Bezzina was a form of justification, suggesting that removing his wife was for the good of the children.
We sometimes think of family violence as a socio-economic crime. Poor people trapped in a violent culture without the ability to navigate their way out of the entrenched misery.
But Vic Ramchen was a razor-sharp millionaire, who lived in a posh suburb and married a much younger trophy wife. And he wanted out when he felt that trophy was tarnished.
Julie Ramage lived what appeared the picture postcard life.
Kids in prestigious private schools, the clinker-brick home in a sought-after suburb and a good looking, go-getting husband.
Except James Ramage was a bully and a brute who selected her clothes, picked her hairstyles and sabotaged her plans to complete a tertiary degree.
She took to wearing sunglasses to conceal the bruises and needed a plastic surgeon to fix a broken nose after she was head-butted.
Finally when she found the courage to leave him he strangled her to death in July 2003 in that picture postcard house.
He later claimed to have lost control but his attempt to cover his tracks were the actions of a cold killer.
He cleaned the crime scene, changed his clothes drove to Kinglake and dug two holes – one for the body and the other for his contaminated clothing, towels, sheets and her handbag. He then cleaned his Jaguar motorcar in a Diamond Creek car wash.
He drove her Mini to the rear of a pizza restaurant in Whitehorse Road, then walked home.
That night he took his son to the same pizza parlour with the car parked 20 metres away.
Its a fair bet that was all about power – that he was still in control.
At his trial Ramage argued provocation, was acquitted of murder and found guilty of manslaughter. The law has since been changed to close the loophole that big, tough James used to wriggle through.
That loophole was often used to cynically blame the victim. Of course in such cases the victim can't defend herself from the killer nor his later claims in the courtroom.
In sentencing, Supreme Court Justice Robert Osborn said "I, of course, must apply the current law whatever view I may hold as to the desirability of change to it."
He sentenced Ramage to 11 years with a minimum of eight and he was released in July 2011.
Police have run a number of sting operations where husbands were recorded trying to hire hitmen to kill their wives.
One wanted the victim raped first so it looked like an intruder. Another was taped saying "I don't want her to live," adding he preferred she be murdered, "without suffering, whatever is appropriate, the shortest possible way".
"If you ran her over with a truck and killed her, I wouldn't care."
When the undercover policeman said he had done the job and provided her jewellery as proof the husband wanted more. "Can you bring me a part of her . . . part of her hand?"
But there is hope. Social media stood up against self-described pick-up artist Julien Blanc, who was effectively driven out of Australia. He has since been denied a visa to enter the UK.
We can change behaviour. Once it was acceptable for dad to get a bellyful of beer at a barbecue and then drive the kids home.
Now, in most cases, someone would have a quiet word.
Most men would never hurt a woman. But too many look the other way or excuse those who do.
It is time to say enough.
http://proof.news.smh.com.au/viewAsset.action?id=6025777&rand=1416895051073
