We're all addicts now, that's a given. Who doesn't go into a fit of panic when their iPhone is momentarily misplaced?
Who isn't diving for their phone every time the traffic light hits red and you've got a minute or so to punch out an "important" text or email? Who doesn't miss their kids progress in swimming lessons as well down various YouTube rabbit holes or by convincing ourselves an email sent on the pretence of work is more important?
Our phones own every single one of us.
But there are addicts and there are zombies. The science fiction writer EM Forster predicted as much in his 1909 short story, The Machine Stops. In his dystopian future, we all live underground, in isolation, our only communication via instant-messaging. Knowledge is whatever garbage you've picked up off the "machine" and shared with your pals. Sound familiar?
Here are the 10 signs you've lost anchor with your phone.
1. You've lost the ability to be embarrassed
Remember when you'd die of shame if someone caught you checking your style in a shop window? Now we're pouting and prancing and playing model on crowded beaches, in front of pals, at weddings, anywhere. Yesterday I stood less than a metre from a girl punching out 50 or so selfies. I stared. She didn't care. A lack of self-consciousness used to be a sign of great confidence, of the ability to say, screw the world, and mean it. Now it just means you're a zombie lost in the machine.
2. You care about "Likes" and "Followers"
So you came up with an idea to photograph your dog in funny clothes. Whatever, it's a free world. What should be a bit of pointless frivolity, however, soon becomes a series of heart-racing milestones (100, 500, 1000 followers) and hours of thought given to the importance of strategically posting according to time zones. And, every minute for the first hour of a new post, you hit the Instagram camera icon and drag downward to load new likes, new comments, new followers.
3. Your phone is always in your line of sight
At the dinner table, at the restaurant, in your car, on your desk, by your bedside table or in your pocket.
4. You haven't been bored in years
Remember when you were stuck in a doctor's waiting room or alone in a restaurant and you'd be forced to ponder your surroundings? The people around you? The shape of the chairs, the behaviour of a kid, the tick-tick-tick of a clock on a wall? Your mind would sometimes wander into unexplored realms. Ideas flowed, inspiration occasionally hit. Now all you jammed into your head was a click-bait story (maybe this one) and a stream of Facebook rants about "white privilege".
5. You take your phone on a date
This is the guy, girl, you might marry and you treat their presence as secondary to an electrical device? A few months back, I looked over across at a girl on a date and she was swiping back and forth on Tinder. Maybe phones on dates aren't such a bad idea?
6. Losing your phone is a "tragedy"
Panic, anxiety, all your secrets, all your work, everything out there… but who knows where? An ironman I know who trains teenagers, but was losing faith 'cause most of 'em carried their phones around to stare at between sessions, once told his charges they were going to play a game where they put all their phones in a bag. Kids thought they were going to swap phones, have a little fun. He threw the bag into a locker and snapped it shut. One girl cried, hysterically, for 45 minutes.
7. You haven't smiled at a pretty girl, guy on the street for years
Remember when you'd swing down the street and if you saw an attractive member of your species you'd smile and throw out a sexy hello? Now? Doesn't happen.
8. You can't hold a conversation without using your phone as a display unit
When was the last time you had a conversation but didn't refer to clips you saw on your phone ("Let me show you") or songs people absolutely have to hear ("I'll get it on YouTube") or apparently "hilarious" antics on Instagram? Oh, you can't remember. Bad sign.
9. You get excited when Apple announces a new operating system for iPhones
I mean, really? They changed a font and jammed your phone's memory with more features you'll never know exist? And you believe this is worthy of a conversation?
10. You've blown your eyes out
I used to check emails, my website, a few news sites and my Instagram account immediately after opening my eyes in the morning. Now all I see is a blur of blue and black. Blown eyes? Zombie.
