I like Gwyneth Paltrow, I really do. Every time I announce this, I find I'm in the minority. I think she's smart and funny, and a good actress, (I mean she did win an Oscar, you know). And, if given the opportunity, I would welcome her into my circle of friends, or usher her in, really, in a low-key, semi-secular ritual that would be part hen's high tea and part natural birth.
It would include, of course, extremely organic candles, a pool filled with warm water, a yoga ball, a whale call soundtrack and a handful of rose quartz crystals. The night would culminate in the outpouring of sangria, as made by Gwyneth, (she did spend a year in Spain, you know) a gold-flecked facial mask session and a light coffee enema, as has been recommended on her website.
My friends would accept her, I believe, as one of their own, because my close friends (Closesies) are almost unanimously smart, sophisticated Type As with a keen interest in holistic wellness, integrated medicine and limited edition capsule silk palazzo pants. Also, because I've checked. Also, I mean, friends who do group enemas together, gotta stick together, am I right?
A verbal survey reveals more than 85 per cent of my close friends love her; and they are blonde, or blonde adjacent, so she'd fit right in. Not that you have to look like your friends to fit in. Case in point: me.
I'm mentioning looks because Paltrow, part-time actress, full-time mum, slash luxury wellness expert, just posted a friendship-themed issue on her website Goop, in which she made mention of "wing women". For those of the understanding that flirtation involves emojis, a "wing woman" is that person, nominally of the same gender, who acts as a living, breathing resume for the stranger in front of you. The wing woman boosts your pulling power, so she should be attractive, but not the stranger's type, lest he end up kissing her and not you.
I'm going to go ahead and make the assumption, though, that Paltrow is referring to "wing women" not simply in terms of romantic exploits, but more broadly, in life; you know, it takes a village, they've seen her through thick, they've seen her through optimum fat burning level at Tracy Anderson exercise class; real friends don't let friends eat gluten etc.
Now, I'm old and married, so the idea is moot, but I'm not averse to the idea of Paltrow as a wing woman, as I've been surrounded by Paltrow-esque women for my entire adult life. And besides, Paltrow herself is engaged (to a TV producer named Brad Falchuk, a man she's been seeing for a few years), so the danger of my non-existent object of affection choosing her over me is also quite low.
Paltrow is famously well-connected, and a glance at her Instagram account reveals fashion collaborations, artisanal dinners involving farm-raised, woodfire oven baked chicken and spa holidays with Cameron Diaz, Stella McCartney, Drew Barrymore, Reese Witherspoon et al. So you see, Paltrow has friends who look like her, and probably have the same earning power as her, too.
Which might explain why, in the same "wing women" issue of Goop, Paltrow has recommended buying your besties a $1000 necklace "just because". Whatever happened to the solemn purchase of a gold-plated heart that could be broken in two from Prouds, or Diva? You know, the one you wore half of, and your BFF wore the other half and your brothers mocked you for wearing a broken heart that read "best" too close to your actual chest?
Well, that's over.
In its place there are $300 pink suede rollerskates, a $500 jumpsuit that strongly resembles pyjamas and a weekend away at a low-key luxury resort, presumably where you and your bestie go to detox from social media, electronics and refined carbohydrates.
Admittedly, my best friend is the right person for that job, as she's the only one who can put up with me when I haven't eaten carbohydrates. Actually, that gives me an idea. Among all the performative posts about friendship on social media, and all the memes and sayings, perhaps we can add this one to the list: If you can't handle me without carbs, you don't deserve me with wine. It's a little self-serving; a little snooty, a little too food-focused, which means, I reckon, that my imaginary third best friend, Gwyneth Paltrow, would love it.
