It had a lady with a beard. A case of the splits that made everyone wince in their seats. And thousands of shiny balls hanging from string. What else could it be but the Eurovision Song Contest?
Though the event kicked off earlier in the week with a red carpet and party in host city Vienna, Austria, the first semi-final is the opening volley, in which 16 countries fought for 10 spots in this weekend's final.
Those countries were: Moldova, Armenia, Belgium, the Netherlands, Finland, Greece, Estonia, Macedonia, Serbia, Hungary, Belarus, Russia, Denmark, Albania, Romania and Georgia. In that order.
Another 17 countries will slug it out in a second semi-final for another 10 places. And then, the 20 survivors of that sequinned, glittery battlefield will join the host nation (Austria), this year's wild card (Australia) and the so-called "big five" (France, Germany, Italy, Spain and the UK) in this Sunday's final.
Someone needs to say it. You're looking at the ugly side of overpopulation. And it's largely because the definition of Europe is now so broad that anyone, more or less, can participate in the Eurovision Song Contest.
As Australians we would be the first to protest, but of course we've done better than everyone – we're on the other side of the planet and we've somehow got a free pass into the final. So we'll likely just shut up and hope we win. That's how we do things.
The first semi-final isn't the main game but it's the first public glimpse of the competitive form this year.
The brief take out is this: wind machines are back. And Guy Sebastian has – so far – nothing to worry about. Well, mostly.
Last year's winner, Conchita Wurst, opened the show with Rise Like a Phoenix, accessorised by what appeared to be 2000 little white balls on string deployed as a television special effect which, surprisingly, easily put more expensive staging to shame.
In a sense those balls on a string are Eurovision in microcosm: curiously cheap, inelegantly showbizzy and still, somehow, stunningly effective. Expect to see them at the Oscars. Or the Logies. Someone will knock them off for sure.
What is more, and a little worryingly for the third of Europe competing in this semi-final, Rise Like a Phoenix never seemed to be overtaken by anything else on offer. There were too many ballads. And too many songs that sound like most of the other unremarkable songs.
That's because Rise Like a Phoenix isn't just last year's winning song, it is in some ways writ large from the first page of the Eurovision textbook: it's anthemic, it has a key change and it has feathers.
It also has a simple message. If these folks were serious contenders they've be poring over it and trying to learn from it.
The show finished with a special appearance by our own Guy Sebastian, ahead of Australia's wild card straight into this weekend's Eurovision final.
"It's a lot of pressure, I could lose it for my entire country," Sebastian told the audience. "I'm so excited. Australia loves Eurovision. We are so excited to be a part of it."
This is the brief rundown of what you saw: (Or, if you were passed out from shock, failed to see.)
Moldova: Eduard Romanyuta singing I Want Your Love
Bob The Builder meets Hot Cops meets Meccano.
Armenia: Genealogy singing Face the Shadow
Honorary Aussies, thanks to Armenian-Aussie Mary O'Doherty. And thank 'eavens she's through.
Belgium: Loïc Nottet singing Rhythm Inside
A human Rubik's Cube of white T-shirts and incomprehensble rop-pop-pop lyrics.
The Netherlands: Trijntje Oosterhuis singing Walk Along
Nicely contemporary, but was too reminiscent post-pre-Eurovision Celine Dion.
Finland: Pertti Kurikan Nimipaivat singing Aina Mun Pitaa
Awesome little group, but metal music never sells at Eurovision.
Greece: Maria Elena Kyriakou singing One Last Breath
She's got an anthem, a key change and a wind machine; one to keep an eye on.
Estonia: Elina Born and Stig Rasta singing Goodbye to Yesterday
Harry Connick Jnr meets shadow puppetry; perhaps better suited to the Eurocountry Song Contest.
Macedonia: Daniel Kajmakoski singing Autumn Leaves
Autumn leaves. And doric columns. Only at Eurovision. And, sadly, only at semi-final No.1.
Serbia: Bojana Stamenov singing Beauty Never Lies
A big lady, a big voice and a big song with a message; that's Eurovision 101.
Hungary: Boggie singing Wars for Nothing
Eurovision may, at times, seem like High School Talent Night, but that doesn't mean you don't aim higher.
Belarus: Uzari and Maimuna singing Time
Hot violinist: old gimmick. And strange that wind machines work, but earrings on men seem dated?
Russia: Polina Gagarina singing A Million Voices
White frock: tick. Glittery effects: tick. This is a real contender. Perhaps the strongest contender from semi-final No.1.
Denmark: Anti Social Media singing The Way You Are
The good news: Denmark has its new Young Talent Time cast. The bad news: not gonna win.
Albania: Elhaida Dani singing I'm Alive
Fashion tip: capes and crop-tops never go well together. Nothing good can come from this.
Romania: Voltaj singing De la Capat (All over Again)
Dual-language songs are always a winner with Eurovision audiences.
Georgia: Nina Sublatti singing Warrior
It seems incomprehensible, but this is that rare example of when feathers don't work at Eurovision.
Warning: Spoilers Follow
The six countries eliminated in the first semi-final were: Moldova, the Netherlands, Finland, Macedonia, Belarus and Denmark. This means the 10 highest scoring countries in the semi-final, who will enter this weekend's final, are: Albania, Armenia, Russia, Romania, Hungary, Greece, Estonia, Georgia, Serbia and Belgium.
SBS will repeat the first semi-final on Friday, May 22 at 7.30pm. The second semi-final will air live on SBS on Friday, May 22 at 5am and will be repeated on Saturday, May 23 at 7.30pm. The final will air live on SBS on Sunday, May 24 at 5am and be repeated at 7.30pm on the same day.
